Weird Childhood Memory #4,371 — The Dramatic Conclusion!

Okay, it took a bit longer than I thought to find a break to write the ending to this tale. I apologize to all the people left hanging ... hmmmm ... lemme check the comments page to see how many people I've let down ... ummm ... none. Hmmm, there must be a Javascript error or something on the Blogger server.

Okay, so where were we ...

So every Tuesday I come home and the kitchen is in a bit of a mess. There's an open bag of Wonderbread on the counter, an open jar of Skippy's and an open jar of Welch's grape jelly. There's a knife caked with peanut butter and jelly laying on the counter and crumbs everywhere.

Little did I know that the kitchen in my first apartment would look very similar someday but I'm getting ahead of the story. There was something strange going on here. A phantom PB&J-maker in our house.

This had happened several times; then one day I saw a little blonde girl with a little puff of smoke kicking off the botttom of her left Hush Puppy dashing across the alfalfa field at breakneck speed. In her hand, was ... a sandwich!

I go in the house, and sure enough, we'd been hit again.

I was pretty sure it was Kay Anne's younger sister, Betthie Thoo, or, for those of you without a lisp ... Bessie Sue.

Bessie Sue Springsteen stacked seashells in the sandbox on certain Sundays. She was the Cindy Brady of the neighborhood, lisping & snitching 24/7 and now swiping the basic food groups out of our domain.

But Bethie Thoo was a quick little one and I didn't get a positive ID for quite some time ... and her time synchronization with the school bus sighting was impeccable. I had a better chance of photographing Thath-thquatch reading the Catch O' the Day on a handmade latrine than getting a picture of Betthie Thoo running through the alfalfa.

One day, it appeared that her timing was off but as it turned out, something had gone horribly awry.

When I got to the the end of the driveway I noticed that both sliding glass doors were wide open, I heard crashing noises and some screaming from inside the house. Out of the house shoots Betthie Thoo and she almost runs into me, she's panting and crying but in a flash she's sprinting across the field again. (Can you picture that little puff of smoke coming off her shoe or am I the only stoned one here?)

I go into the house and the first thing I see is Nanny, the goat (pretty cool name, huh?), prancing around on the dining room table. I'm not sure if you know what goat turds look like but they were all over the table. I hear a crash and I see a frickin' donkey in the kitchen galley knocking shit off the counter and slurping out of the jelly jar.

All right, I guess I'm done with that story.